For the Love of
This is it; this is the last time
was going to allow her feelings Alice
to be in charge. Tired of being doubtful and depressed about herself
and her life, she now wages war against her inner demons and faults.
There had always been some sort of fight within herself the moment
she quit laughing and all she wanted to do was cry. If she could
somehow change her problems and herself, that is what she was
going to do.
once she wrapped her mind around something, there
was no talking her out of it. She had always prayed
to find a cure for what she called her "disciplined
recklessness"-anger, calm, rage, cry, calm, depression,
self-doubt, isolate, calm, comfortably numb.
She led a too serious, laughless, friendless, loveless,
be independent, don't touch me, and don’t show your emotions life.
She couldn't understand why a mother who said, "I love you" would
turn around and beat her for not understanding math or because
she couldn't find a matching show fast enough; or how a father who
said, "I love you" would sneak in her room while drunk and proceed
to act like she was his wife and then buy her silence with anything
she wanted. For her safety, she had to learn to lie and shut her
The only way she coped was through alcohol and cigarettes.
Everybody knows that alcoholics always tell the truth while
they are drunk because they never have the guts to say
what they truly feel sober.
She was the strong silent type, the kind that would put on
a smile and lie when she was hurting or upset. She didn't
like being vulnerable at any time so she kept to herself.
She never really liked the fake laughter brought
from the alcohol, but it worked for years to the point
her family had no idea she had been drinking. Then one
day she didn't care anymore.
The very things she desired in life-love, laughter, being
wanted and needed but not used, she ran from or kept
herself too busy. It wasn't so much that those feelings
snuck up on her one day, they flat out scared her.
All she knew is when she opened herself to those feelings
before and as a child, she was used and abused. According
to her, she was never going to have that happen again as
long as she could help it.
and to those she opened her heart to. She constantly
questions herself and wonders-does she even know what
real love is and can she love someone right?
Fred, her best friend and mate knew in the beginning
was going to allow him into her world, he needed to
know the truth of her hard life. She had done peace
time and war time as both a civilian and a military
personnel. To her, her life had always been at war
with little peace.
He didn't know what drew him to her but it was
something bigger than he had ever felt. All he knew
was somehow he had to get to know her. He wanted
to be her friend and be in her life, but needed to find a
way to create an opening.
After Fred and Alice talked, he chose to use their
common love of movies and crafts plus his sense of
humor to crack the door to her heart. He desperately
wanted someday to hear her have a good laugh and it
be all natural. He was up for the challenge, if she would
In his eyes, she was never a project or fly by night mission.
There was something about her that caught his player ways
in a net. From that moment on, she was all he wanted.
He looked deep into her hazel eyes and knew he wanted and
needed to teach her to laugh, to love and have more of a life
than she was living. He wanted to teach her that true love
to her heart where Fred was knocking. Even though
every other time she allowed someone into her world
she was taken advantage of and walked on, she sensed
and knew he was different.
Fred knew with everything she had already experienced
that she had built a wall to protect herself. It was scary
for her because the wall was so solid from being up so long.
He would have to take it slow and prove to her that he wanted
her with no strings attached or mind games being played.
He always made a point to remind
that she Alice
was and still is beautiful. Emphasizing that her quirks
and faults helped to create who she is and that's who he loves.
He loved her mind, creativity, gusto, and her heart.
For as big as her heart is, he's going to have to teach her
to not take things so personal; and that she can't control
other people's actions and decisions. He could never under-
stand why she would take on someone else's troubles when
she has enough of her own; but that's the helping heart part
of her he loves too.
As Fred gently holds her face in his hands, he looks
her square in the eyes and says, "I didn't fall in love with
your problems and faults, but I accept them because they
are a part of you. I love you for who you are, you are more
than your problems or quirks. I'm not leaving."
As tears slowly slide down her cheeks, at that moment
she knew he wouldn't leave her no matter how hard or how
many times she pushed him away. For he knew that wasn't
the message she really meant.
Slowly, her wall started to crumble brick by brick as they worked
together to keep true love alive. Although part of her wall is still up,
Fred's love for
is still strong. As
he awaits for her wall to fall Alice
completely, his love proves that love and patience can out-live pain
and the past.
True love doesn't give excuses or lies in any circumstance.
Its acceptance "as is" no matter how long you are together.
Besides God, love is the best trump anyone can have.